


Becoming Jaz

by Sydbond



Series: Becoming [1]
Category: The Brave (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up, Jalton, Jealous Adam, The full story, elijah - Freeform, learning to love, tiny jaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-30 20:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15104570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sydbond/pseuds/Sydbond
Summary: The full story of Jaz as she grows up, joins the army and finally finds herself





	Becoming Jaz

**Author's Note:**

> This popped inside my head this morning and I’ve spent all afternoon on it. This is unedited and probably has many mistakes because it’s looong and I just don’t have the energy right now :p Buuuuut, the story’s there so I hope you’ll enjoy it :)

Jaz is four when her mother starts to encourage her to play with other girls her age. She frankly doesn’t care for them, because all they do is play with their dolls and she’d rather be in the sandbox with her brother where they can play with their hot wheels and crash them against each other. 

But her mother insists and, no matter how hard Jaz cries, she still gets dragged to tea parties where she has the wear dresses and is expected to sit still and play in quiet voices. 

She doesn’t yet understand why her parents want to see her play princess and she tells them she likes playing with her brother much more than play with stuffed animals in pink rooms. Her parents buy her dolls and Barbie clothes for her fifth birthday and Jaz cries because she specifically asked for the red car with the fire print and the GI Joe figurine her brother has. 

Her father tells her to stop crying and she does so because he never tells her things twice. Jaz has learned to listen to him, especially when he’s in one of his moods. Otherwise she knows she might as well be sent to her room for hours on end and she really wants to eat the cake her mother baked for her. 

The doll ends up under her bed, collecting dust while she plays with her brothers toys. 

 

xxxxx

 

She is in second grade when she realizes her family isn’t normal. Her classmates keep talking about how their dad comes to see their soccer game and how their mother helps with homework and tucks them in their bed at night and Jaz stays silent because she’s never had any of those things. 

Her father isn’t there often, and when he is, it’s usually best to hide somewhere where he can’t see her. He and mom spend an awful lot of time shouting and it often ends up with her crying and holding some ice against her cheek. Jaz usually takes her brother and brings him to their room whenever that happens, because she once saw her father pulling at her mother’s hair and the scream it elicited from her is still buried into her memory. 

Jaz doesn’t have a mom who fixes her lunch and snacks. She makes her own PB & J sandwich every morning, along with one for her brother, now that he’s in kindergarten. She helps him fill up his water bottle and put on his backpack and they walk to school with their neighbor and her kids. Mrs. Jenkins always kisses them goodbye, her kids and Jaz and her brother and Jaz finds it odd because none of her parents do that before she leaves for school. 

 

xxxxx

 

Fifth grade is hard for Jaz. She is scrawny and little and frankly not so strong when it comes to fending off mean kids and they take advantage of it.

More often than not, she ends up on the asphalt, knees scraped and fighting back tears as the bigger kids take her lunch. Jaz sits there long after they’re gone, wondering how she’s supposed to grow in height and strength when they keep stealing her lunch. 

They’ve had a nutrition chapter in science class and Jaz noticed how her usual diet of white bread and jelly isn’t what they recommend for growing bodies like hers , but when she asked her parents for veggies and brown bread, she got rebuked and her dad looked like he was having one of those days so she took off to her room, hoping she wouldn’t always stay little and weak. 

Jaz realizes she’s quick and agile. What she doesn’t have in strength, she can make up in rapidity. Now, when she sees the bullies, she just takes off on a run and they eventually let her be. Jaz eats her sandwich alone in the cafeteria, thinking it’s better to eat alone than to not eat alone. 

 

xxxxx

 

Middle school is where all hell breaks loose. Her mother looks increasingly sick and tired and Jaz knows it has to do with the drugs she managed to hide from her daughter for so long. Jaz is getting smarter, more independent, and she isn’t fooled anymore. Her father hits her mother -and sometimes her- and her mother is an addict. 

Home life is unpredictable. Her parents are up and down and the same answer doesn’t always work twice. It’s like trying to do a puzzle that always changes and it annoys the hell out of her. 

Jaz has taken a liking to school where everything makes sense. Maths only have one good answer, same with history and geography and everything else. If you study hard and do your homeworks, you get good grades. And if you get good grades, you get to have the teacher telling you how proud he or she is if you. 

She doesn’t get much attention at home, so she takes whatever she can. Jaz spend hours on her homeworks just to have a teacher smiling at her. It’s not for her parents that she does it, because her father didn’t bat an eye at her straight A’s while she saw him slip a fifty bucks at her brother when he brought home a less than perfect report card. 

Jaz starts to see through the cracks of her upbringing. The absentee father who would rather have two sons than a daughter who doesn’t know how to act like a girl, the drug addict mother who stopped caring the moment Jaz turned six, her brother who’s starting to get a little mean even though Jaz is the one who makes him lunch and supper and who makes sure he brushes his teeth before going to school. 

She doesn’t want to spend more time than she needs to at home, so she wanders to the local rec center and scrolls through the offered classes. Most of them are free of charge, the receptionist explains. It’s a government program for underprivileged kids, but that she doesn’t say. Jaz knows it because nothing is free in this world. 

The rec center becomes her home away from home. Jaz signs up for swim and karate classes. When they open up a judo class on Wednesdays, she joins without a thought because she discovered she likes sports and how powerful they make her feel. 

Her father becomes increasingly violent towards her mother, and one night he even ends up hitting Jaz really hard. She goes to the rec center and sign up for more classes just to get out of her house. That’s when she ends up taking French, and to her surprise, she becomes really good at it. 

 

xxxxx

 

The summer before high school, Jaz loses her mom. She’s not exactly sure if she died of an overdose of drugs or punches, but either way she ends up six feet under and Jaz becomes her father’s new punching bag. 

To her surprise, her brother starts to look up to their father, and before long he’s treating her with contempt. It hurts more than she’d like to admit, seeing the little boy she helped to raise turning on her. 

Once again, the rec center turns out to be her salvation. Jaz goes there every minute of every day that summer. She swims in the mornings and takes every single combat class she can get, from MMA to Jiu Jitsu. She’s not especially good at them at first, but by the end of the summer she can take down her brother and it brings her a strange feeling of exhilaration to know that she can fend for herself. 

Her mother’s death is hard on her father who seems to have loved her in his own twisted way. He misses her, or rather he misses having someone weak to order around, but Jaz feels brazen and empowered due to her summer of training and she answers back. He hits her so hard she can’t even get out of the house the next day. 

Instead, she presses ice on her face, just like she’s seen her mother do so many times before. Her entire face is covered with bluish bruises and Jaz stares at them in the mirror, telling herself it’s no wonder her mother turned to drugs. She feels ashamed and the pull of feeling numb to it all is so big it’s almost overpowering. 

She once again stares at herself in the mirror and noticed for the first time how much she looks like her mother. Maybe that’s why her father never liked her. 

 

xxxxx

 

Jaz comes to high school heavily guarded. She knows she comes out as bitchy and rough and just another bad kid from the projects, but she frankly can’t find it in herself to give a fuck. 

She does her homework and gets good grades, but she doesn’t even bother with friends and spends most of her time reading of training. 

There’s a boxing gym down her street and Jaz finds herself inside of it at the end of her first week as a freshman. She talks to someone she assumes is a coach who tells her all about the prices and her heart sinks when she realizes she doesn’t have the money. 

But now that she’s seen people box in front of her, she can’t get the idea out of her head and she already knows she’s hooked. So Jaz goes there every evening after school, looking, appraising, trying to learn. 

The coach eventually takes pity on her and throws her some gloves. He starts her up on light sparing, quickly increasing the difficulty and by the end of the year, Jaz is able to knock down her father. 

It’s the start of a love story between Jaz and the sport and she never looks back. Now she’s not only quick and agile, she can pack some serious force in her punches and she likes it. 

 

xxxxx

 

Her brother dies right before she graduates and Jaz puts on a black dress and begrudgingly follows her father around for the day. 

He got involved in some nasty stuff, gangs and drugs and Jaz honestly can’t say she didn’t see it coming. He’s been awful to her for the past few years, so she can’t say she’s devastated he’s gone, but she’s still pretty sad because this is the little boy who she used to make PB&J sandwiches for every morning. 

Jaz cries and she doesn’t know if it’s because of her brother’s death -which is probably a service to the world- or because of the guy he could have been. 

He could have grown strong and nice and just and honest, but he was none of those things. 

Right there, Jaz decides that she wants to be those things. She wants to help people and she wants to do what is right for herself, her life and her country. 

The army seems like a nice place to start. 

 

xxxxx

 

Jaz thought she knew what to expect from the army, but basic training is a world of its own. There’s so many guys, which is normally a good sign, but those ones don’t seem to think she belongs. 

Some of them are condescending, they try to help her with everything because she’s a woman so she must be weak. Others simply tell her to go find herself a normal job that doesn’t require guns or brute force. And then there’s the worst type: the ones who assume she’s nothing but a bed warmer. 

Jaz clocks out one of them on her first week, which earns her a stern reprimand and a week of extra dishes, but the word spread out that Jaz Khan is not to be messed with. 

It’s while she’s doing the said dishes that she meets Elijah. He says he comes from Texas and he has a thick drawl that’s as smooth as honey and eyes that sparkle with malice and Jaz feels instantly drawn to him. 

She feels weird because she does feel more comfortable around boys, but she doesn’t necessarily engage with them apart from the occasional hook-up. Jaz has no intention of hooking up with Elijah- and he seems to prefer guys anyways- and she doesn’t do friends, but for some reason he keeps reaching out to her and before she knows it they’re glued to the hip. 

They pair together on exercices, go on runs together and sit next to each other in the mess hall. 

Jaz finds that she has a knack for target practice and when her instructor asks her if she’s considered sniper school, she can’t help the way her chest swells with pride. 

Elijah isn’t as good as she is at shooting- nobody is- so he asks for her help and before long he’s one of the best in the class. At some point there’s a competition held and Jaz easily takes the first prize while her male counterparts grumble under their breaths. Elijah woops loudly when she makes a perfect score and swings her around as if she was nothing but a rag doll. 

That night, he sweet talks the mess hall lady into giving them some ice cream and they share the cartoon behind the baracks, talking about how it will be like on tour. 

 

xxxxx

 

They graduate together and get send to Afghanistan together. Deployment is hard, but it’s the first time in her life where Jaz finally feels like she belongs. With Elijah by her side, there’s nothing she can’t do. They’ve become a force to be reckoned with, a duo that everyone knows, mostly because of Elijah’s exuberance and Jaz’s shooting skills. 

Once she’s recognized for being a good soldier, Jaz lets herself a little lose. Elijah encourages her to do so, and she racks up a few hook-ups here and there. She realizes how much she’d missed sex, how unfair it is that she had to hold back just to be taken seriously as a woman in the military.

She’s at the shooting range when she sees them passing by. Elijah elbows Jaz and whispers that they’re a Delta team, _the cream of the crop _.__

__There are six guys, all easily recognizable by their beards whereas CSTs are usually clean shaven. One blonde guy smiles at his teammate who’s clapping him on the shoulder and Jaz stares a bit more intensely, wondering who exactly he is._ _

__« He’s cute, right? » asks Elijah, winking at her and Jaz feels her face grow red and she shakes her head before turning back to her target practice. She once again makes a perfect score and it should make her feel good, but she can’t stop thinking about the Delta team and how much she wants to be a part of it._ _

__Jaz has always been competitive as hell, and making special forces becomes her next goal._ _

__« He checked you out, you know? » Elijah tells her as they walk to the mess hall later that night. Jaz rolls her eyes, but she can’t help the tiny flutter of her heart._ _

__The blonde guy _was _cute, handsome even. She’s always had a weakness for blonde haired blue eyed guys, and this one looked like he’d been crafted to her exact specifications.___ _

____He and his team walk around the base for a few days. Jaz knows they’re sent for specific tasks around here because they depart by helicopter or plane and come back after a couple of hours or a few days. When they do come back in time for dinner, she lets herself sneak a furtive glance toward the team and the blonde guy._ _ _ _

____Elijah teases her about it, calls the blonde guy her _Special Force Crush _and Jaz tells him to shove it even though he’s kind of right.___ _ _ _

______She’s alone at the shooting range when she finally talks to him. Jaz has decided to go to sniper school and she uses every opportunity she has to improve her aim. She stops thinking whenever she shoots, a welcome distraction for a girl who had to think about everything growing up._ _ _ _ _ _

______The blonde guy is leaning against a rack behind her when she finishes up her rounds. Jaz knew someone was there, but she just assumed it was Elijah, or some random guy she was prepared to reject._ _ _ _ _ _

______« That’s impressive, » the blonde guy says and Jaz stares at him, stony faced, not sure if she should smile or let him be. Elijah _was right _, she realizes. Her palms are getting sweaty and she doesn’t know what to do with the blonde guy in front of her.___ _ _ _ _ _

________« Ever thought about becoming a sniper? » he asks and it’s the first time she gets asked that by someone who isn’t Elijah or a teacher._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« I’d like that, » Jaz nods. She doesn’t tell him she already planned on trying sniper school, because it’s still a fantasy in her mind and she wants to be 100% percent ready when she finally tries because Jaz Khan does not do failure._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Well you should. You have one hell of a shot, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He’s smiling at her. It’s an easy smile that reaches his eyes and if he were a normal soldier Jaz would totally make a move, but she’s a little star struck and it feels unreal that the guy she has been crushing on for over a month is standing there, complimenting her on her shot._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz wants to strike up a conversation, but she’s sweaty and she feels awkward and she hasn’t smiled for anyone but Elijah in the past year. Blonde guy seems to get that she’s shy, so he keeps on going as if she wasn’t being an awkward clam._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Well, maybe one day you’ll be covering my six, » he winks before his eyes land on her name tag. « What does the J stands for? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Jaz, » she mumbles, having no idea why she gave him her nickname and not her full name. Jasmine feels too childish, too pretty and feminine and she wants him to think of her as a good soldier._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Jaz? Seems fitting, » he smiles that easy smile at her and she cracks a small one. « I’m Adam, by the way, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It also fits him, Jaz thinks. He’s got that all-American vibe she could see an Adam having. Jaz shuffles on the balls of her feet for a few seconds, wondering if she should just ask him out because he’s the cutest thing she’s ever seen and he’s nice and she could really use a good fuck right now and he seems like the kind of guy who could show her a good time. But then one of his teammates appear and calls out for him and Adam just keeps on smiling at her as he waves._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« Well, I’m sure we’ll see each other again when you’re a sniper, Jaz, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She waves back as he goes away, words lost in her throat. This guy wasn’t anything like she’d thought he would be. Sure he’s just as esthetically pleasing up close, but she didn’t expect him to be so kind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His team goes away that week as they get redeployed somewhere else, but Jaz holds on to the memory of Adam and those crinkling eyes as he asked her is she had ever considered sniper school._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz comes home from her first tour and she drags her feet behind her. It’s never really been home and she doesn’t know what to do. Elijah has grown into her confidante and knows all about her life back in the states, so he invites her to his home and doesn’t take no for an answer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz arrives in Texas with Elijah and is immediately overwhelmed by the shear opulence of it. His family showers her with love and it’s not something she’s used to and Elijah just laughs it off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« They’re big on affection, » he tells her as they lay on the hood of his truck one night, just staring at the sky while enjoying the few hours of the day where the air isn’t suffocatingly hot._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________« It feels… too big, » she answers and she searches for his eyes because she doesn’t want to hurt her friend._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He smiles again. « You’re not used to be loved, Princess, but we’ll make you the most loved girl in the entire state of Texas, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz curls herself into his side at that and wonders if she really deserves it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________For some reason, her mind goes back to Adam and his team and she decides to use her leave time to prepare for sniper school and work on her endurance. After all she needs to be strong is she wants to be Delta one day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz does graduate sniper school and Elijah calls her to congratulate her. After that, their schedules get a little messy and they can’t really see each other because one of them is on leave while the other one is deployed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She misses her friend, more than she thought so, and she turns to training to combat the loneliness. They both decide to try Delta qualifications together, and they meet up in Texas a month before, training harder than they’ve ever trained._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz is determined to make it through. The small New York girl who managed to survive is still very loud inside of her, and she won’t let anyone tell her she can’t be the best there is._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When they get to the qualifications, they’re ready to tear down the competition and Jaz stays by Elijah’s side because she’s the only girl apart from Sarah Turner and Sarah Turner doesn’t seem to mind having a new guy in her bed every night. Jaz enjoys an occasional hook-up, but she doesn’t want to be known as the girl who screwed all Delta, so she keeps her hands to herself and sticks to Elijah._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They meet Matt there, a tall guy who’s built like brick house and who makes her laugh. He’s got sandy blonde hair and green eyes and when Elijah mentions that he’s making eyes at her, she stops for a minute to smile because he’s pretty cute._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz doesn’t act on it. Matt has become their friend and she still thinks having sex with one of the guys here will give her a reputation like Sarah Turner’s. Instead, Matt joins them for beers and late night talks behind the baracks and eventually grows into hers and Elijah’s tight knit relationship._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________By the end of their time there, Jaz finally relents. It’s become obvious she’ll graduate and she feels a little giddy and drunk and Matt kisses her under the stars and she lets him. They end up sleeping together even when they know nothing will come out of it, but it’s perfect because Jaz doesn’t do relationships._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He turns out to be really really good in bed and Jaz guiltily sneaks out of his bunk as soon as he’s asleep. Matt is a nice guy and maybe they’d be a good fit in another life, but this isn’t how this works. She has baggage and he seems like the type of guy who wants to have a wife and kids and she knows she’ll never be that girl._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He doesn’t take it personally when she tells him so, and it’s back to friendship for the both of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz gets sent to a team that considers her a diversity check. No matter how hard she pushes, no matter how many times she beats the guys on the team when they train, her CO simply doesn’t care. She is first and foremost a woman and he believes she’s too weak to do anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She goes with them in missions, but it doesn’t matter that she’s a sniper, and a damn good one at that, because they still give her in low risk tasks and Jaz simply fumes in her corner because she can do so much more than that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They call it an attitude problem. Some days it’s she’s got a chip on her shoulder, others they claim it’s the hormones or that she’s on her period and that’s why women should not be in combat. Jaz resigns herself to doing those easy tasks, to pretend like she isn’t doing the work a simple private could do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________More often than not, she gets bumped from team to team. Every time it’s pretty much the same. The CO sets the tone, and it can either be an angry one or a concerned one. The angry ones are better because they can be shown that she can do a lot of things. It’s the concerned ones who are a pain in the ass. They usually believe in her, but they don’t want to endanger her so she still ends up benched._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________One of them happens to be a first class chauvinist who keeps making passes at her. He’s the CO of Matt’s team and at first, Jaz is overjoyed to be back with him, but her stay soon becomes her own personal hell. That CO won’t take no for an answer and she wants nothing to do with him, so she clings to Matt and it only makes her CO angrier. He also starts to put Matt is reckless situations and at some point Matt almost gets blown off when he shouldn’t have and Jaz snaps after her CO. She calls him names and tells him he’s irresponsible and the next thing she knows, she’s being transferred._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaz knows she’s allowed to stay in the military because Matt made an official complaint, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s the one getting bumped and not this idiotic CO who saw her as nothing but a piece of meat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Her last night there, she curls up with Matt under the stars and he kisses her and she lets him because she needs to feel safe and Matt is exactly that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They don’t push it further, there’s no point in digging themselves in a bigger hole than the one they’re already into, but the memory of that perfect kiss stays with Jaz for a long time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She has no idea who she’s supposed to meet when she arrives in Incirlik. It’s an international airbase and she can hear British and American accents. Jaz searches for someone who’s looking official, someone who can tell her where exactly she’s supposed to go, but all she sees are throws of people going their own way, all preoccupied._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That’s when she spots him. He’s got jeans and a navy blue tee, definitely not the type of clothing she expected to see on base. Adam the blond guy, the same one she used to harbor a crush on in Afghanistan, is waiting for her. Even better than that, he’s _waving _at her with that easy smile of his.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaz heart leaps into her chest and she tightens her grips on her duffle bag._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« Welcome to Incirlik, » he tells her as she stops in front of him. « You ever been to Turkey? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaz shakes her head, eyes flying over the crowds to stop them from running over his body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« We’ll show you around once you get settled. Come on, I’ll bring you to the hut, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Adam doesn’t try to take away her duffel bag, he doesn’t mind her lack of response and he doesn’t stop smiling at her. She wonders if he asked specifically for her, or if fate just put them together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jaz likes to think she made a lasting impression on him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They arrive to the Quonset hut and the first thing she sees is three shirtless men throwing horseshoes around. Adam pulls the car over and Jaz’s eyes stay glued to the guys, not quite believing what she’s seeing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« They’re not big on putting shirts, » sighs Adam and Jaz shakes her head because she doesn’t care about the lack of shirt. She cares about the guy at the far left._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Her feet carry her to him without her having any knowledge of it and before she knows it, her arms are wrapped around Elijah’s sweaty torso, her face breaking into a huge smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« Lijah, » Jaz mumbles against him and he seems just as stupefied as her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________« Jazzy? » he raises her chin so her eyes can meet his and his face splits into a grin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Elijah spins her around and she laughs because she doesn’t even care. Jaz feels weightless and giddy and _happy _.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Why didn’t you tell me she was coming, Top? » Elijah asks and Jaz cranes her neck to see who exactly is Top._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It’s Adam, who seems to never get called by his real name. It’s Top or Dalton, but never Adam and Jaz wonders why exactly he introduced himself to her as Adam a few years back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Didn’t want to ruin the surprise, » he grins and once again Jaz feels a low swoop in her stomach._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Elijah starts to introduce her to the other guys. She meets Joseph McGuire who doesn’t seem to go by any other name than McG and he gives her charming smile that quickly gets turned down by Adam’s stern glance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« He’s a flirt, » Elijah teases before he moves to their resident family man._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Ezekiel Carter, but everybody calls him Preach, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Pleasure, » Preach tells her, extending a hand towards Jaz. He has a deep groveling voice that makes Jaz feel safe and she smiles at Elijah, unable to stop the happiness like she usually does._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« And then there’s our CO, Captain Adam Dalton, but you’ve already met, » says Elijah and Adam hands Jaz her duffel bag. He already seems to get that she’s not the type of girl who wants her bags to be carried for her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Told you you’d watch my six one day, » he grins before he disappears inside, quickly followed by McG and Preach._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaz and Elijah are left alone outside and he quirks an eyebrow in her direction. « What does that mean? » he asks and Jaz shakes her head but he doesn’t let it go._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« We talked one day in Afghanistan, » she admits under Elijah’s shit-eating smile. « I was at the shooting range and he said I should think about being a sniper and that maybe one day I’d watch his six, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Well you must have made quite an impression because he selected you, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jaz would like to say her cheeks don’t grow red and her mind doesn’t start conjuring images of Adam thinking about her years after their encounter. She’d like to say it, but it wouldn’t be the truth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________« Top, we don’t have any food left, » Jaz hears McG call from the kitchen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________And there it is again, that _Top _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She also starts calling him Top. Top or Dalton because no one other than Preach calls him Adam. It seems befitting to call him that way. Adam was her crush, but he’s now Top the CO._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Her CO._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Somebody she had no business harboring a crush on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________They go to their first op and something very strange happens. Jaz isn’t benched, she isn’t kept in a corner where she is safe and secure. No, she’s used to her full potential, getting in overwatch when needed, watching Top and the other guys’ six. Top also calls her down a few times to play civilian and give live feed to the team back in DC. It’s something she has never done, work on equal footing with the men on her team and it makes her respect Too even more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________The other ops also go that way, with Top making no distinction between her and the other guys and she finds herself loving this team more and more everyday._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It becomes clear that Top has a soft spot for her. She can get mad at him and snap and sulk, but he’ll always accept her apology. Often he’ll reach out for her, to try and see why exactly she did snap. He calls it getting to the root of the problem and she slowly starts to ask herself why she reacts that way every time she feels anger mounting._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« It’s because you remind him of himself when he was younger, » tells her Elijah one night. They’re sitting next to each other in the couch, wrapped in a ratty old blanket, talking softly as to not wake the rest of the guys._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaz ponders on why that is. She recognizes the signs of an abusive childhood in him, she way he clams up too quick, the difficulty to accept affection, the way he never seems to elicit a touch on his own will._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« His head is still messed up by his girlfriend. Or rather, his ex. They’ve just broken up, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaz can’t believe her ears because she’d never let Adam Dalton go if she was his girlfriend._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Elijah doesn’t seem to notice her inner turmoil because he keeps on telling her the latest gossip. « She had trouble with the whole army thing, drove him crazy with her demands and, well, I guess enough is enough, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« What about the other guys? » Jaz changes the subject._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« Preach is the voice of reason. He’s the one who can calm everyone. McG is more the entertainment. He’ll make it his goal to make you smile if you’re feeling down, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaz had noticed how the two men completed each other. One brought wisdom, the other relief._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« Seems like a great team, » decides Jaz as her head drops on Elijah’s shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« And you’ve got your crush sleeping right next to you, » she doesn’t even need to look at him to know he’s smirking at her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« Shut up Eli, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« Whatever you say Jazzy. There’s a reason why you never told me about this discussion in Afghanistan, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________Since Jaz and Eli are so used to working together, Top starts to pair them up for every mission. They operate well together and get the job done well and quick and Jaz lets herself be happy for the first time in a while._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She grows closer to the other guys, Preach who seems to get her need of being loved and counseled and McG who always whistle whenever she wears something sexy on their nights out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________McG decks a too insistent guy for her at the bar and even goes as far as to put his hand on her ass when the guy really doesn’t get it. Jaz doesn’t even complain because for once it feels like this touching came from a place of love._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Preach drops bits and pieces of wisdom on her every time she needs it and she gratefully accepts them -or rolls her eyes like a teenager while listening to every single word._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________But it’s Top who really does change her life. First as a CO, but also as a friend. They do have more in common than they thought and they often end up admitting to each other things they’ve never told anyone. Jaz still thinks he’s the most perfect thing ever, but she doesn’t push it further because his friendship is suddenly one of the most important thing she has in her life._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It’s funny how she thought he was cute in Afghanistan, but now she finds him rugged and handsome. She has no doubt he is just as good in bed as she thought he was, but she refuses to let herself think too much about it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Her dreams, however, are a whole other thing. She wakes up more than once in her dark room, wet and panting and hoping she didn’t make a sound because it would be too embarrassing to admit she’s having very vivid dreams about Adam._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________At some point, Elijah has a fever and he has to stay in Turkey while they go away on a mission. Jaz and Top end up paired together and the result is astonishing. It’s like they’ve been doing this for years, the two of them communicating without a single word, anticipating every move and just being better together than alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________None of them speaks of that connection they have, but from his moment on, Jaz and Top are pretty much a team of their own._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________They grow even closer because he knows exactly how much he should push her and she knows exactly what he needs and both of them just trust the other implicitly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Elijah likes to tease her about it, how close she is to their CO and how she always ends up by his side. Jaz pretends she doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but she is very conscient of this thing going on between Top and her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________On leave, Jaz goes back to Texas with Elijah and they travel around to visit the rest of the team. She’s never had this type of family, and she loves how close they all get. She and Elijah go to SoCal for some sun and sand and then to Montana in McG’s ranch, but it’s Top’s cabin in the woods that really gets to her. She’s not really sure if it’s because of the seclusion, or because Top is there, but it’s her favorite part of leave._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Elijah doubles his efforts on the teasing front and Jaz almost clocks him in exasperation, but she realizes she has to hide her feelings better. It’s one thing for Eli to notice her infatuation, but it would be a whole other thing for Top to learn about it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________Elijah dies and Jaz feels like an entire part of her has been cut off. The thing is, Eli was the one who took care of Jaz and now she’s left in pain with no one to help her get through it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It’s Adam who steps up. He comforts her and runs his hands over her spine and kisses the top of her head so many times she loses the count. He holds her when she’s crying and she falls asleep doing so in his arms a lot of nights._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________At some point, she get so used to his affections that she starts to believe he’s truly returning her feelings and she leans over to kiss him before she realizes with stupor what she was about to do. Grief and holding a crying subordinate he can do, but kissing one? That’s off limits._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________From now on she goes to McG’s bed when she needs comfort. It doesn’t matter if they sleep together because there’s nothing between them but fraternal love and it isn’t against the rules._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________The first night Jaz nudges him awake and he quickly scoots over so she can climb into bed with him. He pulls her into his arms and she automatically feels safer than she was standing all alone in the dark._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« I thought Top was the one comforting you, » he croaks out sleepily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaz’s eyes stare away. « I can’t anymore, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He gets it, how her crush never really got away and how she can’t stop herself from wanting more when she’s with him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« Come here, » says McG making more place so she can curl herself into him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________His arms wrap themselves tighter around her and she lets out a sigh, inhaling deeply the same smell of soap and laundry detergent that impregnates every one of their beds._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________Adam tells her about Amir first. It’s been a month since Elijah’s death and Jaz isn’t ready to forget him so she pushes Adam away and tells him that he might as well just erase Elijah from their memories before storming out of the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________No matter what he does, Jaz stays mad at him for a week._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He corners her when she’s alone in front of the embers of the dying fire. The night has fallen a long time ago and Top walks up to her with two mugs of hot chocolate._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaz doesn’t say anything, but she accepts his peace offering and waits for him to start talking. After all, she has never been able to stay mad at him for long._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« Why did you start going to McG? » he asks and it’s not what she expected him to say. In the back of her mind, she registers that maybe he also was mad at her that week._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaz shrugs and settles for half the truth. « I didn’t want to be a burden to you, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Top takes a sip of his hot chocolate and makes a funny face before setting it down. He’s more of the salty type whereas Jaz could live off sugar. « You’ll never be a burden to me, Jazzy, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He uses her nickname, the one the guys sometimes throw at her, and it stirs something inside of Jaz. She knows thoroughly well Adam isn’t trying to forget Elijah, that he still has a team to think of and that this Amir guy will probably benefit them all. So Jaz decides to let it go and, when he sneaks an arm around her waist, she lets herself lean on him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She falls asleep on his shoulder and wakes up in her own bed the next morning. They never speak of it, but Adam has tucked her into bed and it feels more intimate than anything they’ve ever shared._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________Amir grates on her nerves. He’s too calm, too poised, too… calculating. It’s not normal for someone to be so slick all the time and it makes her skin crawl._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Then there’s the fact that he pulls out his prayer rug every chance he get and this really does not sit well with Jaz. Her father used to do the same thing and she’s not proud to say she associates the rug with him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She gives Amir the cold shoulder, first because of Elijah, but soon enough because of his scheming ways and his prayer rug._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Adam first lets her try to decant by herself, but eventually he pulls her into his room and she feels like she might explode with all the Adam scent everywhere._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« Why don’t you trust me? » he asks her and his eyes are so blue and dark that she melts in front of him. His hand is still wrapped around her wrist from when he tugged at her until she landed into his room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« I do trust you, » answers Jaz because it’s the truth. She trusts him more than she trusts herself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« Well trust my choices. Amir is my choice for the team and you have to accept that, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She’s mad and she wrenches her wrist from his grip but she doesn’t apologize this time. Instead, she cants herself next to McG for the next three days, until the phone rings for Amir and then they’re send to Paris._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________There, Adam snaps at her and he tells her things he probably shouldn’t have told her, but she’s glad he did because she now understands Amir better and she’s willing to make efforts to gain his trust._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She apologizes after the op because the guilt is eating her up and she doesn’t like not being on speaking terms with Top. She needs him to breathe, whatever that means and she isn’t ready to explore just how far that need goes, but she’s willing to accept that she can’t go on without having him by her side, randomly spurting out thoughts and memories she can relate to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________Tehran changes everything for Jaz. She gets cut and carved and tortured and when the man asks her if she wants to fall in love and have a child, her first thought is Adam._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She can barely hold on to the image of the two of them together and of a tiny mix of the two of them because it hurts so much more than all the carving. This guy knows how to get inside her head and she doesn’t like it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Then the guys rescue her and Adam doesn’t let her go until he’s sure she’s safe and Jaz lets herself get fussed upon because it’s Adam and for a moment there she thought they really had killed him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She gets nightmares night after night, and Adam is usually the one who wakes her up from them. Jaz holds on to him after those and he seems to think it’s because she wants comfort, but she does so because she needs to make sure he’s still alive. All of her nightmares are about losing him while he tries to save her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Many nights, Jaz walks up the the couch and sits there in the dark. It feels safer than her room. She’s always been able to sneak around Adam without his knowledge, but after Tehran it seems like he wakes up every time she does._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________So he joins her and they usually end up falling asleep on the couch together. It’s on those rare moments that Jaz really does get some sleep, uninterrupted by the nightmares._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________The Hoffman fiasco comes and goes and they camp next to Preach’s bed until they know for sure he’s safe. He wakes up and everyone is overjoyed, but then Jaz doesn’t know where to go._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She travels to Texas for a bit but she eventually ends up at Adam’s cabin. He isn’t surprised to see her there and they both spend the rest of their leave trying to make sense of the clusterfuck that was their last deployment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________They do hikes and go swimming and spectacularly fail at taming down Patton and it feels… normal. It’s Jaz making coffee in the morning while Adam tries to teach her how to cook eggs properly and its trips in town to the bookstore for their latest book haul and its night after night spent sleeping so close to each other without ever touching._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It’s a weird summer and they grow to be even closer if that’s even possible. Sometimes they’ll make a fire and wait for it to die before moving back inside and calling it a night. Other times, when it rains or when the mosquitoes are particularly vicious, they end up talking late into the night, propped on the pillows of his bed because it’s way more comfortable than the rickety old sofa she uses as a mattress. Jaz wakes up more than once in Adam’s bed, sometimes curled into his side, sometimes with him cuddling her from behind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________When they come back to Turkey, it’s obvious to everyone that something has changed between them, but neither Jaz or Adam are able to put words on it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________Jaz realizes she’s in love with him on a random day off at the beach. He’s grilling some hamburgers like he always does whenever they have a free day in the sand and he makes a joke and Jaz stops dead in her tracks. Realization dawns on her and it cuts the air from her lungs and she starts to see very clearly how she should have seen it coming._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Some part of Jaz finds it fitting that she does see it at this moment, with shirtless Adam waving his spatula at Amir, because it’s a simple act on a simple day and she’s in love with every day Adam and the little things he does._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________McG catches her eye and Jaz stalks off because she’s not ready to share her discovery yet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________Adam gets hurt on the field and she hurls herself at him. They get transported to the hospital and Jaz waits for him to wake up, never leaving his bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It’s Amir who ends up talking to her. He tells her everything about his sister and how he lived her and how he wishes he had told her a lot more before she died. He goes on and on about how lucky she is to have that chance and Jaz barely raises her eyes from the floor because she’s terrified of what he’s saying and her cheeks are flaming red with embarrassment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« It’s alright if you’re in love with him, » he finishes by saying. His voice is soft and it makes Jaz look up from the linoleum floor._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« No it’s not, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It’s the closest she’s ever come to admitting her feelings and she can’t say it makes her happy. Her heart beats wildly in her chest and she’s frankly more scared than relieved._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« We can’t control our heart, Jaz. And Adam can’t control his either, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________Adam eventually wakes up and everything goes back to normal. A week later, they finish up an op and get a night off at some local bar._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaz finds him sitting outside like she did in Seville and they fall into an easy conversation. Both of them get too many drinks and Jaz ends up touching him more than she should, feeling invincible from the mix of alcohol and Adam’s arm wrapped around her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________They decide to call it a night and Adam insists on paying. She protests but he backs her into a wall, his mouth hovering near hers, and she wonders how he’d react if she kissed him right here in the bar._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________By this point Jaz has pretty much pieced the puzzle together and she knows he wants her. More than that, she has a sneaking suspicion that what he feels for her is more than attraction and she wants to know if she’s the only one who has deep feelings._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Adam leaves her against the wall to go pay their bill and then they walk back to hotel. Eventually he ends up grabbing her hand and Jaz doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol talking, or if he’s just finally ready, but he tugs at her hand and kisses her temple and starts to whisper sweet nothings into her ear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« I have no idea what I’d do without you,» he tells her and she raises hopeful eyes to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« You are the most important thing in my life, Jazzy, » Adam keep going on and Jaz hurries with the keys at the front door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Her room is upstairs, but his is on the first floor, away from everyone, so she pushes him that way and he follows without complaint. She closes the door behind them and Adam stares at her with hungry eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaz stands on her tiptoes and kisses him. He kisses her back and she moans into his mouth, opening her lips for him as his tongue asks for entry._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It’s not long before he has her backed up against the wall, the two of them battling for control or something they don’t know. It’s hungry and deep and their hands are everywhere and Jaz has never felt that way with anyone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She tugs his shirt off and lets her hands splay on the muscles there, finally getting to touch what she’d only allowed her eyes to see._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Adam is kissing her like there’s no tomorrow and Jaz breaks off their kiss for a second as her fingers pull at the hem of her own shirt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He puts a hand over hers, his breaths coming out in short puffs. « I can’t Jaz. We can’t, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaz first stares at him with incredulity, but she quickly turns mad and pushes herself off of him. « What do you mean we can’t? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________There are regulations and all but he’s been sending signals her way for over a year now and she can’t believe that when they finally get close to being together, he ends up getting cold feet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« I love you and you- » she stops herself when she realizes she never had any confirmation that he also loved her, only her suspicions, Amir’s talk in the hospital and the guys knowing looks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Adam stands there, suddenly looking very sober as he says nothing and keeps on staring at her. Jaz sees his straining zipper and the lust in his eyes, but she hears her heart cracking in pieces and she can’t stay a minute more in this room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________« Fuck you, » is the only thing she’s able to say as she turns on her heels and flees from the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaz climbs the stairs two by two and locks her bedroom door after slamming it. It makes her feel better for half a second, but then she goes back to being miserable._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________They still have two weeks to go before leave and Jaz barely talks to Adam. She’s hurt, more than she’s ever been hurt and her heart is breaking in front of him and she just wishes she could go back to the States even though it’s not home._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Home is where he is._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________Leave is hard on Jaz that year. She doesn’t have Elijah and she doesn’t have Adam. Truth be told, she’s not sure she’ll ever have any of them back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She spends a lot of time crying because she could hardly afford to do so at the base. Jaz is a proud person by nature and she would have been damned if she’d let Adam see just how much he broke her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________On a random night she doesn’t feel like making dinner, so she heads to the nearest fast food place and bumps into Matt. They end up spending their evening together and he and Jaz talk about Elijah and his antics for a good chunk of that time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________It feels good to talk about Elijah, to remember the good times with him and before she knows it she and Matt are seeing each other several times per week._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________One night he kisses her and it leads to them tumbling over his bed and after that they’re pretty much a couple._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaz has never been in a relationship and it takes some time to adapt to the quirks of it, but eventually she finds that she likes it. There’s something about being able to love freely and to be loved just as much that makes her happier than she’s been in a long time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Matt takes her out on dates and she eventually leaves her little rental for his place since he’s part of a team stationed in the US._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He comes to drop her off at the airport in DC when she has to go back to Turkey. Matt kisses her goodbye in front of the guys and she feels her cheek heat up as McG raises an eyebrow at her. She’s beaming, but quickly sobers up when she catches Adam glaring at her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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______________A few days later she talks to Matt on the sat phone outside and ends up with an _I love you _and Adam stalks off.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jaz feels bad, her heart breaks all over for him and she wants nothing more than to kiss him until he’s whole but she’s in a relationship now and he’s the one who rejected her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________McG comes to join her in her bench later. « You could try to be more subtle, » he says as his chin juts out in Adam’s direction._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________« He’s the one who pushed me away, » she defensively replies._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________« What do you mean? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jaz hates being a gossip, but she needs someone to understand, so she tells him everything. By the end of her story, her feelings are jumbled up and she’s not sure of anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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________________Adam and Jaz go back to what they were after that night. They pair up on missions and get as good results as they ever did. Slowly, trust gets reinstated and they go back to teasing and ribbing and sometimes sharing their innermost thoughts with each other after hard ops._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________On one of those nights, Jaz waits for him on the couch because it’s raining and they can’t use their usual picnic table. He gets out of the shower and she tries to avert her eyes but she can’t tear her gaze away. Her stomach lurches painfully and she is remembered of how good it felt to have his muscles under her fingers and his mouth opening against hers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He catches her glance and stares at her a little sadly. « Don’t forget about your boyfriend, Jazzy, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It hurts more than it should._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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________________Adam grows sour when they only have a month left to this tour. She wants to know what exactly prompted that change of attitude and she confronts him next to the fire one night._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________« It’s nothing, » he grumbles, offering her another marshmallow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________They’re trying to roast them but true fire, but most of the marshmallows end up pitifully burned._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________« It’s not nothing, » Jaz pushes and Adam turns away from her. « You used to tell me everything, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________« You used to be single, » Adam’s answer is so quick it takes Jaz a second to register it completely. The insides of her hands hurt and her eyes fill with tears._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________« I can’t believe you’re doing that to me. After I laid my heart out to you and you rejected me, » she croaks out. Her hands are trembling, her knees are trembling, her entire being is trembling. Nothing feels stable anymore and it makes her freak out a little._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She can’t see him very clearly through the haze of tears, but Adam looks distraught as he grabs her hands, steadying them against his legs. « It was a mistake, Jaz. I love you, you have to know I love you. It wasn’t about not loving you, it was about being too goddamn afraid, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He kisses her and she can’t stop herself from kissing him. Her heart hurts and it stomps in her chest and she keeps on kissing him until she has to pull away because she needs air and her head is spinning from the lack of oxygen and _him _.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________When she regains her breathing, Jaz turns her head to Adam. He’s looking lost and desperate. « You said it yourself, I used to be single, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________It hurts him. Jaz sees it in the pained expression on his face and he lets out sigh. « I messed this up real good didn’t I? »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________She still wants to kiss him and tear his clothes apart and it scares her just how fast and quick that love bubbles back up to the surface. It makes her think it never truly got away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________« We messed this up real good, » she corrects as she trails her fingers down his spine_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Adam raises his head from his hands and stares at her with such hope it takes her breath away. « You still love me, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________It’s not a question. It’s a statement, pure and simple and Jaz knows he’s right. She _is _still in love with him.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________« Yeah I do, » she answers honestly. What does that honest answer bring her? She has no idea._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________« I’ll wait for you. I don’t care how long it takes, I’ll wait for you, Jaz, » Adam says, resolute._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He doesn’t kiss her again. He respects her too much for that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________After that, Jaz is left with a choice. She can pick the safe one with Matt who is completely in love with her, or Adam who’s impossible and who complicated everything, but who remains _Adam _.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________That counts for something._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________She goes back to DC and Matt is waiting for her. He kisses her and she feels the guilt prickling at her skin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________For the whole night she feels herself getting more and more detached. Matt doesn’t seem to mind, or rather he’s too happy to finally see her, so he doesn’t push her too much._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________The next day he heads to the base and Jaz unpacks her things. She’s making some place in the drawers for her shirts when she finds an engagement ring and she stares at it for a long moment. It’s pretty and it makes her heart stop, but she realizes it’s more from surprise than joy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________How stupid she was to think that she had a choice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________There never was one._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________xxxxx_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________It’s raining when she gets to Adam’s cabin. Of course it is, because everything is more romantic when it’s raining. What the movies don’t tell you is that cabins in the woods and rain mean mud puddles and her car skids constantly and there’s nothing romantic about this part._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Adam comes out at the sound of her car and he sees her behind the wheel. Jaz gets out and stays in the rain, muddy feet and all, looking at him looking at her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________She walks up to him and she’s crying and she hopes it’s not ugly because she really wants to hold on to this moment and remember it as something sweet._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________« Jaz, » his voice comes out rusty and Jaz breaks into a smile that ends up in a sob, but she couldn’t care less._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________She grabs him tightly and slams her whole body into his._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________« I love you, » she says as she swallows the huge ball in her throat. « I chose you. Of course I chose you, »_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are always appreciated :)


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